Team Advisory Committee: The Math of Success

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

The formula for success is one you didn’t learn in high school math class, but operates in everyday life. The Success Equation: Positive + Communication = PROFIT. The Failure Equation: Negative - Communication = LOSS. Is it really so simple? Yes—and savagely profound. Your life’s Profit and Loss calculations rely on how you choose to do the math.


YOUR LIFE: PROFIT OR LOSS?

You can expect these PROFITS as a company, couple, or family when you choose to use empowering, Positive (+) Communication Tools:

+ Team and individual empowerment

+ Productive, positive teamwork

+ Boosted confidence

+ Bridges of trust and respect

+ Mood-boosted opportunities

It’s your choice: which one of these payoffs will you add to your life today?


WHAT IS POSITIVE COMMUNICATION?

When using Positive (+) Communication Tools, your words and deeds will transform your reputation and be perceived as:

+ Motivational

+ Informational

+ Intelligent

+ Open

+ Detailed

+ Inspirational

+ Collaborative

+ Clear and concise

+ Goal Oriented

+ Purposeful

+ Confident

+ Mindful of the effect of your good moods on everyone around you

WHAT IS NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION?

When using Negative (-) Communication Tools, your words and deeds will soil your reputation and be perceived as:

Avoidant of people and issues

Dismissive or condescending

Of a negative Ned or Nellie

Out of control (e.g., yelling or screaming)

Profane and inappropriate

Abusive of power (e.g., calling people out in a crowd)

Gossip: Talking about others behind their backs

Smokescreen: Disguising the real issue

Stonewalling: Not communicating at all

It’s your choice: which one of these losses will you subtract from your life today?

EXPECTATION CRASHES AND COMMUNICATION LOSSES


You can expect these LOSSES as a company, couple, or family when you choose to use debilitating, Negative (-) Communication Tools:


- Bad (Angry) moods and heightened drama

- Good people leave—High turnover due to motivation stagnation

- Financial costs for training

- Fear in the workplace or home

- Low morale

- Good ideas dying on the vine

- Loss of productivity (40–70%)

- Nihilistic attitudes

- Damage to image of trust and respect

- Damaged reputation for reliability

- You can either be right or have friends


Sure as a soda loses its carbonation or the sun sets in the west, you can calculate these predictable outcomes by using positive or negative communicator math.

THE ONLY WAY TO BE HEALED IS TO BE IN TOUCH WITH WHAT'S REAL

Hiding behind a castle's high stone walls or wearing rose colored glasses is The Math of Loss. Although you may be a legend in your own mind, your life losses will ultimately pile high. The choice is yours, so choose to be a Reality Responder rather than live in "ME Reality." Become a brave Empathizer or Instigator leader who chooses to use The Math of Success to communicate positively, accurately, honestly, humbly, and lovingly, every single day

Team Advisory Board: Communication Turn-offs and Turn-ons

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

COMMUNICATION TURN-ONS

Drivers on the two-way communication highway avoid turning off good talk. Common barriers to effective communication which seminar members say you must steer around:







COMMUNICATION TURNOFFS

Emotions, emotional displays, drama

Too much talk without saying anything

Beating around the bush instead of getting to the point

Inaccurate information – too many feelings not enough facts

Bad outlook

Bad mood

Shooting the messenger

Saying one thing and doing another

Putting value on project, not people

Mistrust

Discourage telling truth

COMMUNICATION TURN-ONS
You want to create talk that is priceless? You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Try these talk shoes on for size:


Be rational

Ask directive questions

Listen with three ears

Ask for more facts and fewer feelings

Use a good outlook on life

Spread a good mood around when times are tough

Implement what the messenger advises

Do the new and record the results to logically find out what works

Put value equally on getting things done and on the people who get the things done

Build bridges of trust by being reliable

Encourage telling the truth…which sets you free

Team Wellness Advisory Committee: Positive Communication!

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

HOW DO YOU MAKE TODAY A LUCKY DAY OF POSITIVE COMMUNICATION?

Are you mindful of your own communicator power? Here are road signs that you are driving sensibly down the road of excellent communication, empowering everyone by exceeding expectations.


YOU…
•    Take time to talk
•    Build communication bridges of trust
•    Think optimistically about people
•    Listen and hear more than you talk and tell
•    Are aware of your communication prejudices
•    Adjust your mood to avoid running into a ditch or wall
•    Apologize freely and joke often
•    Don’t go for “It’s my way or the highway” threats
•    Give a balanced diet of positive and negative feedback
•    Strive to improve your communication skills a little bit every single day
•    Don’t put off people who might have a bone to pick with you
•    Pump yourself up daily with encouraging self-talk
•    SMILE and make eyeball contact with newcomers
•    Clarify if what you hear being said is actually what is being said
•    Leave your ego at the door

Team Wellness Advisory Board: Be in Your Own Life

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

BE IN YOUR OWN LIFE?!
So you’re not perfect; whatever. So your mood is blue when the skies are gray, whatever. So you shoot yourself in the foot now and then; whatever. Now this is the self-captivating and energy-catapulting choice you make every day in your inner skull talk:

• You can be in your own life.

• Your life can be owned by someone else who has taken over your inner life.

• You can be in someone else’s life–telling them what to do and be and say and feel and what to like and dislike and who to vote for and against.

• You can approve of or disapprove of your emotional experience, and worry yourself to death when you don’t feel centered-in-self (vs. self-centered) and confident (vs. insecure).

• You can be a control freak, because your emotions are running out of your control, and you’re not having much (if any) fun.

• You can strive to be liked for all the wrong reasons, and be a cardboard cutout of your true self and cutoff your true self and put your soul in a box.

• You can fear healthy disagreement, and hide under your bed covers.

WHAT DOES “BE IN YOUR OWN LIFE” MEAN?
What does “be in your own life” mean? It means you aren’t running ahead of yourself, or stuck in an emotional swamp behind yourself, or driving in a thick emotional fog with your headlamps turned off. You face your emotions with dignity…and permit your emotions to communicate with you.

Team Advisory Commitee:When I Get Around To "It"

When I Get Around To It"

If you use different excuses on different days, you’ll likely be able to get away with quite a lot—until it catches up with you. My favorite excuse is, "I'll do it when I can get around to it." How do you like that for a vague promise that lacks any concrete time limit or expiration date? Rationalizations and statements such as these will certainly put people off. As a reminder, I carry my “round TUIT” wooden token in my pocket. Now that I have a round TUIT, I can get around to it!

Here's the menu of common excuses:

• I don't have time to do it
• I'm too old/young to do it
• I'm not in the mood to do it
• I don't know how to do it
• I'll do it later
• They'll get mad at me if I do it
• I'm too unhappy/nervous to do it
• I'm too shy to do it
• I'm not a good enough communicator to do it
• I'm a procrastinator
• I don't want to try it and fail
• It's not my job to do it
• I'm too tired to do it
• I can't afford to do it
• I don't have the experience/credentials/degrees to do it
• The economy is too bad/risky
• What will other people think?
• My family/kids/husband/wife won't approve
• I'll do it when I get around to it

WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF YOUR LIFE

Making changes in your life is not about achieving instant perfection, but taking steps toward a more positive end. By constantly trying to rationalize why you can’t do something (or will…when you get around TUIT), you’ll have little chance of improving your life. What your life is ultimately about is self-improvement, which you can accomplish every, single day.

So, when will you get around to it?

There’s no time like the present.

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

Team Advisory Board: What to Say When Your Plate is too Full...

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR PLATE IS TOO FULL

WHAT E-TYPES SAY TO I-TYPES WHEN “NO” IS THE RIGHT ANSWER

It’s time for you sensitive Empathizer-type communicators to stop going along to get along with Instigator-type communicators, because when you go along, you’re more likely to fail at delivering positive results. The following directive statements may seem loud, brash, or pushy, but they are simply authentic, effective, and truthful.

Ways to just say no, so strong-willed I-types will understand, and no enemies are made:

#1. I’LL HAVE TO PULL AWAY FROM OTHER PROJECTS TO GET THIS DONE.
This is heard by I-types as a “reality check” and “taking the pulse” of what is wished for vs. what is feasible.

#2. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS IF OTHER THINGS FALL BEHIND?
This is heard by I-types as a challenge to re-check their thinking and priorities and to do a cost-benefit analysis.

#3. I THINK THAT’S TOO MUCH TO ASK OF ONE PERSON.
This is heard by I-types as a genuine statement of how much work is unfairly falling on the shoulders of one person. I-types know it’s not fair to assign all the work to a single workhorse in the organization.

#4. I’M FEELING LIKE I’M OUT HERE ALONE.
This is heard by I-types as a report that you are stretched to the limit and need to be emotionally honest without belly-aching.

#5. I NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT I NEED/EXPECT FROM YOU IN RETURN.
This is heard by I-types as a form of negotiation to iron out the details. It’s a form of record-keeping.

#6. I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO IT ALL.
This is not heard as complaining by I-types but is instead perceived as a call for back-up.

#7. THE RIGHT ANSWER IS NO, BUT I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN SAY THAT.
I-types respect when you are right on the mark to take more self-responsibility for your own happiness and well-being.

#8. DON’T MAKE THINGS MORE COMPLICATED THAN THEY HAVE TO BE.
I-types hear this as a warning to keep the big picture in mind, not get cocky, and make small corrections in the flight course to arrive at the goal destination.

#9. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.
This is heard by I-types as a direct confrontation that they are not up to speed or do not have the necessary information to make the proper decision. They will want to understand what’s wrong and not working right.

#10. I NEED HELP TO DO THIS.
This isn’t heard by I-types as a weakness, but as a warning that special conditions exist and need to be addressed to make the desired results and outcomes happen on timeline.

11. THIS MAY BE ROUGH AND THERE WILL LIKELY BE MISTAKES.
I-types like to be in control of the process. They don’t mind mistakes as much as they dislike being caught off guard by bad news that comes seemingly out of the blue.

#12. WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
This alerts I-types to expect trouble in this project, such as unexpected delays or difficult financial choices.

Team Advisory Board: Self-Esteem

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

The Seven Self-Esteem Myths

Ever look at another person and wish you had as much confidence? She seems to always know what she’s doing. He seems to always be in control, and here you are, struggling just to get through the day. Look again. Are those people you admire really high self-esteemers, or are they counterfeit?

Start giving yourself positive strokes for your strengths, with the ferocity that you hold yourself accountable for your weaknesses. After all, self-criticism only proves that you can bathe your mind in negative strokes when positives are hard to find.

Seven self-esteem myths are capable of keeping you from giving yourself positive strokes when you are changing and acting in successful ways. Dispel these myths, and you will feel freer to fight negative thinking. Don’t wait to approve of your changes, no matter how small they are.

myth #1: high self-esteem means feeling happy all the time.
To Achieve High Self-Esteem: Only fake happiness can last forever, and charlatans, who promise a magical cure-all to the pains of being a human being, use it.

Challenge Idealism: HSEs experience all feelings free of judgment, and, even though their hurts may seem too heavy to carry, they refuse to close up tight like a clam. HSEs value caring, intimacy, and unconditional love.

Make Reality Work for You: HSEs deal with pain honestly instead of denying or displacing it on innocent bystanders. HSEs contend that feelings of inadequacy shouldn’t be allowed to control their destiny.

To Feel Happy: Don’t cop out on becoming a better person due to bad feelings.

myth #2: high self-esteem means never feeling afraid.
To Achieve High Self-Esteem: HSEs doggedly try to turn fears into opportunities to test their competencies. The promise of increased self-esteem gives them the extra push to learn something new from every frustration.

Challenge Idealism: HSEs refuse to let subconscious fears rule their lives. They use anti-doomsday thinking: “I can change.” “It’s OK to excel.” “I am lovable and capable.” “It’s normal to feel frustrated the first few times I try something new.”

Make Reality Work for You: Challenge slick failure beliefs to an empirical test: “If it doesn’t come easy, it wasn’t meant to be.” “My worth is based on what you think of me.” “Nobody cares whether or not I do better.” “Everything will be taken care of some day.” “Nice guys and gals finish last.”

To Feel Happy: Lasting success means learning to overcome self-limiting beliefs.

myth #3: high self-esteem means never feeling frustrated.
To Achieve High Self-Esteem: HSEs often feel frustrated but learn to let frustration go. They realize that some difficult people and situations will never change. HSEs value learning how to control their own feelings.

Challenge Idealism: HSEs make their anger a good friend and not some shamefaced enemy.

Make Reality Work for You: Displeasers use angry behaviors to try to make high self-esteemers tow their line of dependency by implying, “I won’t approve of you if you don’t do it my way.” HSEs don’t turn over their self-image to any persecutor who gives positive strokes in exchange for control.

To Feel Happy: Feel free to change whatever frustrates you.

myth #4: people with high self-esteem are perfect:
To Achieve High Self-Esteem: HSEs work hard to control their own behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, and they refuse to exert control over the choices or moods of others. The imperfect is considered praiseworthy.

Challenge Idealism: HSEs won’t allow any fear to stop them from being who they are or from correcting a wrong. HSEs get mad, but they refuse to get even.

Make Reality Work for You: When mistakes are made and frustrations mount, HSEs are able to soften their attitudes and change their perceptions to plot new flight paths. They have the flexibility to view reality from many different angles.

To Feel Happy: Refuse to reject either your strengths or your weaknesses.

myth #5: people with high self-esteem need fewer positive strokes.
To Achieve High Self-Esteem: HSEs need a wider variety of strokes than most people do. They believe that “adulthood” never means being so strong that no strokes are needed.

Challenge Idealism: HSEs give to the point of collecting resentments and then stop. Sexuality, romance, spirituality, career goals, and friendships are all used to provide positive strokes.

Make Reality Work for You: HSEs love to make love, love to raise children, and love to contribute their very best in a career. HSEs strive to accept all forms of pleasure without feeling guilty.

To Feel Happy: Love yourself with all your heart.

myth #6: self-esteem can never be changed after adulthood:

To Achieve High Self-Esteem: Low self-esteemers are unconfident people who are mild- tempered, success-phobic, careful listeners whose self-criticisms are counterfeit. They underestimate their skills and abilities to change.

Challenge Idealism: Insist on the right to have a good life even when you are feeling bad.

Make Reality Work for You: HSEs live a moderate mental life. They subscribe to the fundamental importance of high quality and equal responsibility relationships.

To Feel Happy: Use good advice to fuel high self-esteem.

myth #7: people high on self-esteem are always altruistic.

To Achieve High Self-Esteem: HSEs do hold back gifts of energy when someone is taking them for a ride. They know that being a rescuer always precedes feeling like a victim. HSEs go back to their basic goals when frustrated.

Challenge Idealism: HSEs put up fences and selfishly guard against having their positive energy drained. Their bottom line is to be realistic in a world that worships “make believe.”

Make Reality Work for You: Receiving positive strokes is crucial for sustaining high levels of self-esteem. The most powerful strokes are for being who you are, while strokes for doing good deeds are next in line.

To Feel Happy: Reject unfair negative strokes.

HSEs believe that there are enough positive strokes to go around for everyone. They value being a fully feeling human being.

Team Advisory Board: Self-Esteem Rights to Live By

Dr. Dennis O'Grady
Wellness Advisory Committee Member

 

High self-esteem does not come naturally to most of us. It is a learned process, a habit requiring practice day after day. High self-esteem begins with a declaration that you deserve to change your defeatist thinking into self-control, self-competence, and self-acceptance.

High self-esteem is a gift only you can give yourself. It is learning to appreciate who you are, and where your special talents belong. It is learning to put those talents to good use and then giving yourself credit for the accomplishments.

Here are certain fundamental rights that go along with self-esteem. The building blocks of high self-esteem can be summed up in twelve rights that each human being has in common.

Reexamine these rights when you are dealing with difficult people or seemingly impossible situations. Use them to overcome negative emotions and to help you design new ways to fortify and protect your self-esteem.

Self-Esteem Rights

#1: I claim the right to nurture my strengths and unique talents.

#2: I claim the right to congratulate myself for small positive changes.

#3: I claim the right to love myself even when others react in disapproving ways.

#4: I claim the right to make choices which are good for me.

#5: I claim the right to improve my self-worth by setting goals.

#6: I claim the right to use good advice to grow.

#7: I claim the right to live my own life free of resentment.

#8: I claim the right to change myself when everything is going well.

#9: I claim the right to start pleasing myself more.

#10: I claim the right to take positive action in spite of fears that make me feel undesirable.

#11: I claim the right to use all my feelings constructively, including anger.

#12: I claim the right to have my changes noticed and applauded by loved ones

Team Advisory Board: Fighting Negative Beliefs that Create Low Self-Esteem



Dr. Dennis O'Grady

 Low self-esteem (LSE) is a powerful state of mind. It can negatively influence your mood and decrease your willingness to take risks. Low self-esteem is corrected by challenging the negative beliefs that create victim thinking. When you remove the self-criticisms that keep pounding down your self-esteem, your self-esteem will be permitted to grow proportionately.

Here are ways to know when you are in an easy-to-manipulate, low self-esteem state. Take time to drop these attitudes and try out some new ideas to raise your self-confidence.


1. You treat successes and achievements like future failures.

LSE Beliefs: Success doesn’t last, so why try

Result in Self-Criticism: "I’m going to be expected to perform at my best every single time now." Or, "I bet the other shoe is going to drop soon."

New Idea: Set down in writing your own expectations for success. Even though you can’t predict the future, you can still become a consistent winner. Learn something new, no matter how well or poorly you have done in the past.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: Believe, "I can make my successes last."


2. You keep your strengths, special abilities, and accomplishments hidden from social view.

LSE Beliefs: Internal strengths aren’t legitimate or important.

Result in Self-Criticism: "It’s best to keep my accomplishments to myself. My ego doesn’t require a booster shot."

New Idea: You must own up to your own special abilities or risk being controlled by them. Pride in your accomplishments must be balanced with humility.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: Believe, "I can learn to use my strengths."

3. Your self-criticisms dominate your mind and crowd out success permissions

LSE Beliefs: Self-criticism is motivating.

Result in Self-Criticism: "I can’t change because I keep doing the same stupid things. When I do succeed, it’s only a matter of time until I blow it."

New Idea: Self-criticisms are repetitious lies constructed by you to explain why you feel bad. Speak self-steadying permissions that contradict the criticisms. Use positive strokes to balance negatives.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: Believe, "I can become a better self-encourager."


4. You judge your new achievements by standards that are too severe.

LSE Beliefs: Positive strokes should be given only for perfection.

Result in Self-Criticism: I could have done better. My nervousness and inadequacy showed.”

New Idea: Give yourself time to practice and perfect a skill by shooting to be in the upper ten percent. Seek feedback from a trusted evaluator who will judge you fairly. Allow positive feedback to replace old stale messages.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: Believe, “My mistakes don’t make or break me.”


5. You erroneously assume life shouldn’t be difficult.

LSE Beliefs: Pain should be avoided at all costs.

Result in Self-Criticism: "I can’t always expect to get what I want." Or, "You can bet your bottom dollar that in time, bad things follow good things."

New Idea: Set up assertive fences to protect your self-esteem and solve problems in your life. Don’t expect life to be pain-free, but don’t be continually upset either. To make life easier, manage the anxiety that comes on the heels of happiness and success.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: "Crisis is another opportunity to change."


6.You fear conflict and avoid it.

LSE Beliefs: Conflict is destructive.

Result in Self-Criticism: "I don’t want to hurt my partner." Or, "Every time I try to talk with my co-worker, the conversation goes nowhere."

New Idea: Force yourself to begin valuing constructive conflict. Speak up assertively to avoid collecting resentments. Become more comfortable with conflict by using fair fighting techniques.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: "I can use my anger in caring ways."


7. Your positive strokes are limited in scope.

LSE Beliefs: Approval is required for survival.

Result in Self-Criticism: "If people really knew me, they wouldn’t like me." Or, "Since I can’t take being rejected, I rarely disagree."

New Idea: Allow yourself the luxury of having goals related to the inner self – a chosen calling, a life partner, children, sexuality, money, time, God or your higher spiritual being, and life. Bundling all your goals into one is bound to stifle your self-esteem.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: Believe, "It’s OK to feel worthwhile."


8. Your security takes priority over all other needs.

LSE Beliefs: Happiness is an illusion.

Result in Self-Criticism: "I really hate my job, but good jobs are hard to come by these days." Or, "I can’t leave my mate because I wouldn’t know how to survive financially."

New Idea: Debunk the myth that the predictable pain of the status quo is preferable to the unexpected pain which might await you in the unknown. Don’t delude yourself by thinking that the status quo can keep you safe from failure.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: Believe, "I take risks even when I’m afraid."


9. You don’t listen to self-wisdom carefully enough.

LSE Beliefs: My own advice is unimportant.

Result in Self-Criticism: "I should know what to do, but I don’t. What do you think I should do?"

New Idea: Treat yourself as the leading expert on you. Take your own advice to heart. Trust your inner wisdom more to resolve problems.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: Believe, "I take my own good advice."

Team Wellness Advisory Board: Excessive Self-Esteem

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

Excessively confident people can tone down their act.

Don’t envy or get angry with those suffering from ESE. Fear and sadness have been out of their control for some time. ESE’s must learn they don’t have to deny tender feelings or be a pillar of strength for everyone.

Changing excessive self-esteem into high self-esteem is harder than raising low self-esteem, so don’t feel awful when your self-esteem is in the pits – the alternative is even worse!



Ways for ESE’s to grow and change:

Change before you lose out BIG time.

To Be Successful: Chances are you don’t know what people really think. You may not know someone as much as you’d like to think you do. Take interest in opinions other than your own.Ask for Negative Feedback: Begin to care how people think and feel.

Listen to negative feedback.
To Be Successful: Find out what grudges people are carrying toward you. Listen to even small gripes. Don’t isolate yourself from negative feedback through intimidation. Take Pride in Being Wrong: Care to know what people expect from you.

Embrace your own weaknesses.

To Be Successful: Stop defending your weaknesses. Your strengths have less to teach you than do your weaknesses. Make Your Relationships Really Matter: Weaknesses do not make a human being bad.

Stop living in a bubble.

To Be Successful: Stop protecting yourself with money, power, or status. Nurturing who you are is more important. Expose Yourself to Opinions Different from Your Own: Let yourself be stroked for your genuine self, not your status.

Stop pushing people away to prove a point.

To Be Successful: Is being right more important than being loved? Never. Pull people toward you.
Be Vulnerable: Winning isn’t anything compared to warm attachments.

Face your fears of intimacy.

To Be Successful: Intimacy means receiving a part of another human being and gifting that person, in turn, with a part of yourself. Face your fears of being hurt by intimacy. Be Interdependent: Stop being so high and mighty and start trusting and depending on others.

Let your sensitivity and caring show through.

To Be Successful: Sure, you’re tough, but softness will get you where you want to go. Balancing the two is best and will provide you with insight and intuition. Be Emotionally Balanced: Begin to express your sad feelings in small ways.

Face your underlying depression.

To Be Successful: Stop being a fanatic about work, fun, or success – lead a more balanced life. You are strong enough to stand up to depressive feelings. Be a Genuine Human Being: Focus on allowing yourself to experience a full range of feelings instead of just the good feelings.


Join a group where your status is unknown.

To Be Successful: Attend events where you are unknown and don’t say what you do for a living. Be a small fish in a big pond. Be Grateful: Enjoy finding out how you come across as a person.


Stop missing the glory of your past successes.

To Be Successful: Learn to be self-accepting when you aren’t a big star. Help support the successes of others more. Be a Team Player: Humility is superior to greatness.

Get therapy even when you don’t need to.

To Be Successful: Hire a therapist who is not intimated by you. Unblock yourself and become a caring human being. Be a Good Listener: Praise people. Take your future back into your own hands.

Being a superior human being means being open intellectually and emotionally. Learn to be genuine and vulnerable.

Team Wellness Advisory Committee: Self-Esteem No. 4

Difficult people are difficult because they fear change.

Negative emotions also result from the fear of change.


What rules of emotional conduct must you consciously use as a change-expert to master negative emotions? Use the following seven Rules of Emotional Order to contradict programming that leaves you filled with negative emotions:


Rule #1: every feeling has something worthwhile to teach you

Be Feeling: Our society is obsessed with feeling good and being positive all the time.

Be Vulnerable: Rule #1 attempts to reverse anti-feeling programming.

Be Who You Really Are: Stop trying to get rid of painful emotions.


Rule #2: your changes will always affect you the most

Be Thought-Full: Our society is obsessed with making changes to please others.

Be Vulnerable: This rule attempts to reverse anti-individuality programming.

Be Who You Really Are: Stop thinking good changes hurt others more than they help you.


Rule #3: take risks to grow and change

Be Open to Change: Our society is obsessed with being secure and avoiding failure.

Be Vulnerable: This rule attempts to reverse anti-change programming.

Be Who You Really Are: Stop believing that thinking alone is sufficient to solve a problem.


Rule #4: trying to control every event in life causes unnecessary anger

Be Self-Controlled: Our society is obsessed with trying to control our thoughts and feelings to influence our decisions.

Be Vulnerable: This rule attempts to reverse anti-vulnerability programming.

Be Who You Really Are: Stop trying to be responsible for everything.


Rule #5: responsible anger is healing, not hurtful

Be One of a Kind: Our society is obsessed with fitting in and not causing a fuss.

Be Vulnerable: This rule attempts to reverse anti-intimacy programming.

Be Who You Really Are: Stop making anger the bad guy.


Rule #6: being an imperfect human being is good enough

Be at your Imperfect Best: Our society is obsessed with physical, psychological, and spiritual perfection.

Be Vulnerable: Rule #6 attempts to reverse anti-learning programming.

Be Who You Really Are: Stop living with decisions that decrease your self-esteem.


Rule #7: your choices always remain your own to make

Be Feeling: Our society is obsessed with making right decisions.

Be Vulnerable: This rule attempts to reverse anti-decision programming.

Be Who You Really Are: Stop living with decisions that decrease your self-esteem.


You are constantly being exposed to programming that pressures you to dismiss your feelings instead of experiencing them. Learn from your emotions and entrust your feelings to loved ones. Be free to feel OK even when you are feeling down. Don’t let negative emotions affect your self-worth. Boost your self-esteem when your charge is low. Dr. Dennis O'Grady

Team Wellness Advisory Committee: Self-Esteem No. 3

Concrete Ways to Conquer Negative Emotions

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

Don’t believe all those complainers who say change is impossible. Keep one change rule in mind: Any negative frustration is alterable!



Learn to conquer any negative emotion or person by keeping these change pointers in mind:


1. Assume that low self-esteem is alterable

The Change Rule: Low self-esteem is not a permanent state.

Just be Yourself: Work on your self-esteem daily. Set boundaries around your self-esteem to avoid being drained by displeasers. Learn to take your own good advice.

To Conquer Negative Emotions: Force yourself to think clearly when you are upset. Use brainstorming methods to keep an open attitude.

2. Use responsible anger for motivation

The Change Rule: Change yourself first and others never.

Keep an Open Attitude: Make your anger a friend, not an enemy. Stop pounding yourself down when you mess up. Take positive actions to raise your self-worth.

To Conquer Negative Emotions: Use assertiveness skills. Be giving to a preset point, and then stop.

3. Embrace negative emotions to learn from them

The Change Rule: Change what you complain about most.

Change More Than You Complain: You are stronger than any negative emotion that tries to weaken you. Put your mood back under your own direct control.

To Conquer Negative Emotions: Use self-reflection. Don’t let complainers dump their negative emotions on you.

4. Laugh at yourself in healthy ways

The Change Rule: Challenge self-criticism to fight the universal fear of change.

Love the Child Inside of You: Be serious about change, but take time to laugh along the way. Unload your burdens through laughter.

To Conquer Negative Emotions: Use humor to reduce stress. Use self-permissions to challenge and replace self-criticisms.

5. Learn as quickly as you can from your mistakes

The Change Rule: Your choices are your own to make.

Accept Positive Strokes but Never Accept Failure: Remember, if you aren’t failing at least daily, then you aren’t really succeeding. Change is inevitably a stair step, up-and-down phenomenon.

To Conquer Negative Emotions: Use trial-and-error learning.

6. Forestall collecting resentments

The Change Rule: Make some new independent choices to reduce resentment.

Please Yourself Free of Guilt: make new choices that are pleasing to your self-esteem. To remove resentments, figure out what game difficult people are playing. Solve problems instead of taking them on or passing them along.

To Conquer Negative Emotions: Use goals in every area of your life. Review your goals when you feel unhappy.

7. Indulge rarely in spiteful actions

The Change Rule: The fastest route to a destination of success is to stop engaging in revenge paybacks.

Focus on Success by Using Goals: Use positive strokes, but don’t be a sucker. Stand up for yourself instead of expending so much energy trying to get even. Take a more forceful stand after much thought, and only after alternative strategies have failed.

To Conquer Negative Emotions: Use positive paybacks.

8. Address childhood wounds that still cripple you

The Change Rule: You can choose to act differently today than you have in the past.

Utilize Good Advice: God has stacked the deck in your favor. Old ideas about how worthless or bad you are can be replaced. You are allowed to make new choices at any time across the board.

To Conquer Negative Emotions: Replace negative beliefs with positive behaviors.

9. Go after what you want without excuse or delay

The Change Rule: You can take positive action in spite of fear.

Fear the Status Quo: Put an end to waiting. Don’t delay – do it today! You can take positive action on your own behalf in spite of feeling negative. Change means you don’t wait to feel good to take practical action.

To Conquer Negative Emotions: Use self-change, goal setting, time saving, and leadership strategies to conquer the fear of change.

10. Don’t blame the opposite sex for your problems

The Change Rule: Every form of blame impedes change.

Learn to Respect Differences: Psychological problems are about the same between both sexes. The major reason changes fail is blame. Stop using the opposite sex as a whipping post.

To Conquer Negative Emotions: Use good listening skills.

11. Be willing to engage in constructive conflict

The Change Rule: Healthy conflict and disagreement protect prized relationships.

Abide by Fair-Fight Rules: Change means antagonists talk out problems to fill in loneliness with love. Constructive conflict is the best way to keep all of your relationships strong, growing, and interesting.

To Conquer Negative Emotions: Use fair-fighting techniques.

12. Nurture your strengths and relationships

The Change Rule: You must own up to your unique talents and secret strengths or risk being controlled by them.

Give Thanks for Strengths: Can you care for yourself when you have been unfairly rejected? Accept yourself. Give yourself more positive strokes than you know what to do with, and give good strokes to people who truly care for you.

To Conquer Negative Emotions: Use positive stroking rules.

13. Let go of people who aren’t invested in you

The Change Rule: Only you can grant yourself the freedom to be who you are.

Dare to Be Self-Approving: Negative people will keep you so confused that you won’t be able to stay on the right track. Don’t spend your life trying to change people who claim they don’t have a problem. Change means saying good-bye to people who mess up your life and then saying hello to new opportunities.

To Conquer Negative Emotions: Value achievement and intimacy equally.

14. Keep looking for answers and remain hopeful

The Change Rule: Keep stoking your strengths to be successful.

Just Be Yourself: When you see no hope, get up, and keep going. Choose to admire who you are right now, even though you are incomplete and vulnerable. You may not be able to change negative people, but you can control your attitude when you have to be around them.

To Conquer Negative Emotions: Use anything that works!

If you are hesitant to develop skills in any of these areas, chances are that negative emotions are more in control of your life than is good for you.

Virtual Team Leader Support Update: Good Talk Habits for Leaders!

This week team captains and leaders explored Dr. Denise O’Grady’s communication system for leaders. Included were handouts for value and respect at work, good talk habits at work, team members who look to lead, and 7 mood rules to lead by:


Mood Rule # 2
Build morale by spreading a good mood around, even when you feel bad. Choose to show passion. Comfort yourself when the winds of change are blowing, and especially love and appreciate what you do during the hard times. Be known for being in control of your mood. –Dr. O’Grady

Team Wellness Advisory Committee: Self-Esteem No. 2

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

If there is any such thing as a universal evil or sin, it is the words: "I can't change." –Dr. Nathaniel Branden, pioneer in self-esteem This is the second in a series of articles to help readers learn to modify their self-esteem through their own efforts. The step-by-step discussion of the principles presented have come from my clients' most successful changes. However, the final decision to change or not to change must come from you. Assume Low Self-Esteem Is Alterable Difficult relationships are the leading reason you aren't able to focus on needed changes. Not all problems can be blamed on difficult people, but unhelpful anger, in the guise of rejection, resentment, and revenge, quickly diverts your attention away from being able to focus on your goals, choices, and competencies. Low self-esteem can be conquered. Think of negative people as anti-change. Keep your energy high by conquering negative emotions that reinforce low self-esteem. Don't let the fear of change add more frustration to your life. The solution to negativity? When you do get uptight, focus your thinking inward to find your growth answers. Try out each good idea that comes your way, and you just might be able to raise your self-esteem to new heights. Looking At – Not Out For – Number One What must you know about mastering the fears and frustrations that accompany self-change, and what must you know to keep moving forward instead of giving up when you hit a bump in the road? As a change-expert, you have learned that your answers lie within, like mounds of gold that are hidden under the belly of a sleeping dragon. Yet, somehow, you must find your way into, and back out of, the lair of negative emotions without being eaten alive. There is no other way to grow. The positive purpose of every negative emotion is to force you to think clearly about changing, even when you might not want to. Take a good look at yourself when you feel frustrated. Developing adequate self-esteem requires you to LOOK AT #1 in order to conquer fears that block success. Self-worth is diminished with these three words: I CAN'T CHANGE. Dr. Nathaniel Branden, who has studied and written about self-esteem for over forty years, contends that those three words are pockmarked and worm-holed with evil. Strong words, indeed, from a rational scientist. Only the mastery of forbidden emotions can release you from CAN'Tism. You must not fear any feeling. Rather, you must make even anger into a friend in order to master the tasks and risks of professional and personal happiness, intimacy, and love. Negative emotions are meant to be a bleak and rough reminder that YOU CAN, TOO, CHANGE! Take, for example, anger. Unprocessed anger erases your secret strengths, and suppressed anger predictably lowers your self-esteem. You must own up to your strengths and anger, or risk being controlled by them. Learn equally from love and frustration to bolster high self-esteem. Managing high self-esteem in relationships, personal and professional, means learning something new from every failure, hurt, and rejection instead of being alarmed and disarmed by these negative emotions. Men and women alike must learn to communicate better to stop reinforcing the fear that the opposite sex cannot be trusted to volunteer to change. Masters of change keep traveling through lonely, dark places, even when they are filled with fear. No feeling is too strong or too petty to ignore. All feelings are created equal: fear/trust, resentment/intimacy, jealousy/pride, pain/happiness, revenge/success, anger/self-esteem, rejection/confidence…and so on. Your change-challenge: the more you can regulate negative emotions, the more likely you are to change at your own healing speed and subsequently build high self-esteem. Low self-esteem can be defeated! Self-worth is diminished when frustration dominates your life, but underneath the belly of futility lays the chance to reclaim your ability to change. High self-esteem means challenging the fear of change by getting to know the inner self. Change-experts have learned to master the art of looking deep down into the self-interior to find curative answers to heal the spirit and to gaze at the genuine self, calling for positive actions and attitudes.

Team Wellness Advisory Committee: Self-Esteem

Self-Esteem is Loving to Learn and Learning to Love Yourself

Adopting a positive attitude toward change means you fall in love with learning new things instead of bemoaning the fact that you don’t know everything. Self-esteem is falling in love with learning and learning to be more loving toward yourself.

You can’t love life if you are busy resisting this changing world. Neither can you learn to love new aspects of your personality if you put your strengths into a tightly sealed little box. Changing means you feel free to open yourself up to being loved for who you are.

Don’t be fooled, though, because developing high self-esteem is hard work. Facing yourself in a mirror of self-reflection is the toughest work you will ever be called upon to do…but you’re up to the challenge. To be happy, learn to look long and hard at yourself in the revealing mirror of self-esteem.

Self-esteem is earned step-by-step, day-by-day in a myriad of little ways. It means taking great advice and running with it. It means squeezing positive strokes out of every stone thrown your way. It means refusing to stay down for long after you experience a failure.

How’s your self-esteem been lately? Self-esteem is your feeling of belonging to the world, including the essential right for good things to happen in your life.

The Self-Esteem Quiz

Take the following quiz to determine the level of your self-esteem at this moment.

True or False

	1. When people are successful, they become less stressed.
	2.0People enjoy being happy and satisfied.
	3. People who brag are really insecure.
	4. Parents are to blame for low self-esteem in their children.
	5. Women feel as successful as men these days.
	6. Men and women typically depend mostly on their spouses or significant others as their support systems and confidence-boosters.
	7. Good friendships are secondary for high self-esteem
	8. Tactful criticism usually motivates people.
	9. People with high self-esteem are more outgoing and extroverted.
	10. Studies show that 65% of Americans are completely satisfied with their self-esteem.

Answers and Discussions

1. False	Success adds many new life stressors to cope with, and stress weakens self-esteem.
2. False	Although many people enjoy being happy, anxiety may lead you to think, “Oh, this is just too good to be true,” or, “This is never going to last.”
3. False	Being honest about your strengths and your weaknesses is an assertive declaration of independence.
4. False	Many forces shape the child, and to blame low self-esteem on parents reduces parental pride.
5. False	Studies show that women are more apt to ascribe their work success to luck, while men view their work success as a result of hard work or talent.
6. False	Men typically receive support only from their wives, while women receive reassurance from several sources other than their husbands.
7. False	Good friendships are now considered on equal par to a good marriage in helping you feel worthwhile and whole.
8. False	Many of us experience criticism as outright ego-deflating, non-motivating, and as an unneeded roadblock to positive change.
9. False	People with high self-esteem report a greater need for privacy, reflection, and solitude.
10. False	Studies show the reverse. 65% of Americans are dissatisfied with their current level of self-esteem and wish they could feel better about themselves.

Use this quiz at the dinner table as a family discussion tool to raise self-esteem. Ask your children what goals they have set to increase their self-confidence. Ask your spouse what types of strokes make him or her feel good, and encourage your own talents to shine in the world.

Self-esteem is a learned skill that you must work for daily. Effort spent improving your self-esteem today will pay handsome dividends tomorrow as your sense of well-being increases.

Team Wellness Advisory Board: Communication and Wellness

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

COMMUNICATION TURN-ONS

Drivers on the two-way communication highway avoid turning off good talk. Common barriers to effective communication which seminar members say you must steer around:

COMMUNICATION TURNOFFS

Emotions, emotional displays, drama

Too much talk without saying anything

Beating around the bush instead of getting to the point

Inaccurate information – too many feelings not enough facts

Bad outlook

Bad mood

Shooting the messenger

Saying one thing and doing another

Putting value on project, not people

Mistrust

Discourage telling truth

COMMUNICATION TURN-ONS

You want to create talk that is priceless? You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Try these talk shoes on for size:

Be rational

Ask directive questions

Listen with three ears

Ask for more facts and fewer feelings

Use a good outlook on life

Spread a good mood around when times are tough

Implement what the messenger advises

Do the new and record the results to logically find out what works

Put value equally on getting things done and on the people who get the things done

Build bridges of trust by being reliable

Encourage telling the truth…which sets you free

SOLVING PROBLEMS AND SEIZING OPPORTUNITIES

It’s all about communication. Everyone says so…everyone knows so. Every organization and family flies or flunks based on their effective use of communication skills and tools.

Team Advisory Committee: Team Leader Training

Dr. Dennis O'Grady
Wellness Advisory Committee Member

TO FIGHT STRESS, CHANGE COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES!

Maintaining a positive attitude is a challenge for all of us who face stress – in other words, all of us. How can we keep a positive attitude toward making changes to reduce stress, especially when change itself is so stressful? How do we keep alert for new solutions to old problems? Try the suggestions below to help maintain a positive attitude and beat stress.

EXPERT COMMUNICATORS

Expert communicators, regardless of communicator style, Empathizer or Instigator, steer clear of using these negative words when talking about change:

- "Yes, but …." These words often are used to dispel good advice that could propel us to new heights.

- "I can't." This devious incantation says that setting out to reach far-off goals is a waste of our precious time.

- "Why even try?" It's common to face unexpected feelings of sadness when we find out how difficult change can be.

- "Why should I…?" This is an old standby – our teenagers' rebuttal to critical parents who say, "Do as I say, not as I do." The teens' response means, "You don't practice what you preach, so why should I?"

EXPERTS USE STRENGTHS

Change experts foster attitudes and communication strategies for keeping a mind open to change.

Experts use their strengths and those of their opposite communicator type to…

→ create new options. They recognize that happiness comes from making meaningful choices that empower us.

→ use a close inner circle of advisers who give them blunt and honest opinions. Because they are good communicators, they listen when their advisers strongly disagree with them, and they don't flinch when they hear that they might be wrong. They understand that sound decisions come from shared wisdom.

→ make their emotional attachments matter. They value marriage, children, cooperative work relationships, and friendships.

→ explain but don't defend their opinions. They think about conflict issues and take a public stand. They share their perceptions assertively without putting others on the defensive

→ promote closeness and avoid crises in relationships – game-playing is a waste of time. Their motto: analyze yourself first and blame others last. The Blame Game is lame.

→ operate from their strengths instead of their weaknesses. Experts aren't afraid to tap and utilize their secret strengths as well as those of their talk partner.

→ accept that they cannot control what others think or do. They stop trying to gain the conditional approval of critics who manipulate them by withholding praise.

→ prefer to give more than they take, and they always give a little extra along the way. They like being around people who make them feel worthwhile.

→ are positive people … to a point.

→ don't blame their present behavior on the past.

→ give permission and affirmations to convey encouraging messages instead of punitive ones.
→ don't require life to be easy, pain-free, and predictable, and they accept that learning new skills requires periods of time and sustained effort.

→ know that accepting reality is better than twisting it.

→ strive to learn something new from every frustrating situation.

POSITIVE PEOPLE AREN'T WEAK

Positive people aren't weak people who are easily taken advantage of. We are people who are committed to building a sense of belonging, self-growth, and high self-esteem in ourselves and in those we touch.

Team Advisory Committee: Good Communication is Key

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

Wellness Committee Member

Some people, despite their best efforts, can’t pull off the positive change they seek, because they don’t know that good communication is key. The same people who are quick to anger (yell, scream, curse, rant, rage, belittle, complain, judge, and gossip) haven’t learned the emotional and communication skills needed to be just as quick to forgive, take personal responsibility, keep things in perspective, communicate feelings, exert self-control, and handle emotions freely and honestly.

Team Advisory Committee: Negative Thinkers Can Steal the Show!

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

We all are addicted to negative thoughts when we allow them to run over our best-laid plans and take root in our brains. When you are being a negative person, silently to yourself or vocally to someone else, these close-minded traits are activated, and they run your life show and run away with your communication skills: Believing it's easier to be negative. Yes, it is easier to be negative, but it's more productive to feel alive and able to be surprised and curious about yourself and your valued relationships. Being lazy. It is true that every human can be lazy and do what they've always done…and that isn't any fun. Negative people salute their laziness and do not attempt to change it. Negataker. Negative people talk tons of verbal trash inside their own skulls, while complaining vociferously to everyone with whom they come into contact. The Complain Game is a safe haven…and prison. Psychocritiquer. A negative person is critical of everything and everyone. Negative people don't meet anyone they can't dislike or find fault with. They'll pick the lint off the suit or dress of successful thinkers. Too smart for your own good. Mental horsepower ramps up the negative talk. Unfortunately, negative people are often brainy, which adds enormous horsepower under the hood. Negative thinkers can get in trouble quickly on the relationship highway. Don't care. "I don't care, and no one is going to break my heart!" is the neurotically defensive battle cry of beleaguered contrarians. They play it safe and will eventually feel sorry some day for all the heartbreaks that life has laid in their paths. Why not be amiable, instead, reveling in the wonders that life has provided? Change resisters. When you are punch drunk with negative thinking, you will use the #1 change resistance mechanism: criticizing self and others for a failure to be perfect. That's why I say the Blame Game and Shame Game are totally lame. Un-Stupid. My definition of stupid is "being brave enough to care," and of stupid behavior as "daring to care." Pessimists are too busy picking and analyzing the lint in their belly buttons to learn something new by truly enjoying their ignorance. Oddly, negative people are often saluted for being pragmatists, logical types, fearless predictors of problems, disaster relief specialists, unafraid to break from the crowd mentality, and other crowning glories. Frankly, negative people are over-rated and ought to be told to "zip your lip for five minutes." Are you giving yourself a hard way to go by being negative? Who doesn't, now and then? However, a negative person is filled to overflowing with life regrets. Negative thinkers spend their energy on, "Oh, how I wish I would have done or said...!" Don't be fooled, though. If a negatalker has what they say they lack, they will still be moaning about something else that's lacking. So, are you addicted to negative thinking and ineffective communication patterns that ditch speedy travel on the two-way communicator highway in your relationships? Of course not, not lovable you!

Team Wellness Advisory Committee: Moan-Day

Submitted by Dr. Dennis O'Grady

MOAN-DAY, MONDAY

Breathe deeply, feel what you do, and respond as positively and powerfully as you can to the crazy messages floating around this tilted, spinning, upside-down world. In fact, singing the "sane making" lyrics in this article are guaranteed to make you grin and buck up! I’ve altered the lyrics to “Monday, Monday” just slightly, for a more positive talking slant.

Moan-day, Moan-day
So bad to me
Moan-day morning
It was all I feared it would be..e!
Oh, Moan-day morning
Monday morning I could guarantee
That Moan-day evening you would still
Be here moaning with me

Moan-day, Moan-day
Can’t trust that day…
Moan-day, Moan-day
All the time it just turns out the way that I say..y!
Oh, Moan-day morning you gave me no warning
Of what was to be
Oh, Moan-day, Moan-day
How could you leave and not take me

Every other day
Every other day
Every other day of the week might be slimed (not fine)
Yeah
But whenever Moan-day comes
But whenever Moan-day comes
You can find me cryin’ and whinin’ all of the time

Moan-day, Moan-day
Made so bad by me
Moan-day, Moan-day
It was all I loathed it into being
But, Moan-day morning
Moan-day morning I could guarantee
That Moan-day evening you would still
Be upset with me

Moan-day, Moan-day
Can’t trust me with that day
Moan-day, Moan-day
It just turns out the way I SAY..y!
Oh, Moan-day, Moan-day
Will go away whenever I SAY
Monday, or Moan-day
It’s always going to be the way I say!

MOAN-DAY…MOAN-DAY

Hey, stress overload is simply a bunch of strong emotions bidding for your attention, so don’t you lose hope and don’t change from who you really are – one brave soul, among quietly courageous people who dare to care!