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| Dr. Dennis O'Grady |
Ever look at another person and wish you had as much confidence? She seems to always know what she’s doing. He seems to always be in control, and here you are, struggling just to get through the day. Look again. Are those people you admire really high self-esteemers, or are they counterfeit?
Start giving yourself positive strokes for your strengths, with the ferocity that you hold yourself accountable for your weaknesses. After all, self-criticism only proves that you can bathe your mind in negative strokes when positives are hard to find.
Seven self-esteem myths are capable of keeping you from giving yourself positive strokes when you are changing and acting in successful ways. Dispel these myths, and you will feel freer to fight negative thinking. Don’t wait to approve of your changes, no matter how small they are.
myth #1: high self-esteem means feeling happy all the time.
To Achieve High Self-Esteem: Only fake happiness can last forever, and charlatans, who promise a magical cure-all to the pains of being a human being, use it.
Challenge Idealism: HSEs experience all feelings free of judgment, and, even though their hurts may seem too heavy to carry, they refuse to close up tight like a clam. HSEs value caring, intimacy, and unconditional love.
Make Reality Work for You: HSEs deal with pain honestly instead of denying or displacing it on innocent bystanders. HSEs contend that feelings of inadequacy shouldn’t be allowed to control their destiny.
To Feel Happy: Don’t cop out on becoming a better person due to bad feelings.
myth #2: high self-esteem means never feeling afraid.
To Achieve High Self-Esteem: HSEs doggedly try to turn fears into opportunities to test their competencies. The promise of increased self-esteem gives them the extra push to learn something new from every frustration.
Challenge Idealism: HSEs refuse to let subconscious fears rule their lives. They use anti-doomsday thinking: “I can change.” “It’s OK to excel.” “I am lovable and capable.” “It’s normal to feel frustrated the first few times I try something new.”
Make Reality Work for You: Challenge slick failure beliefs to an empirical test: “If it doesn’t come easy, it wasn’t meant to be.” “My worth is based on what you think of me.” “Nobody cares whether or not I do better.” “Everything will be taken care of some day.” “Nice guys and gals finish last.”
To Feel Happy: Lasting success means learning to overcome self-limiting beliefs.
myth #3: high self-esteem means never feeling frustrated.
To Achieve High Self-Esteem: HSEs often feel frustrated but learn to let frustration go. They realize that some difficult people and situations will never change. HSEs value learning how to control their own feelings.
Challenge Idealism: HSEs make their anger a good friend and not some shamefaced enemy.
Make Reality Work for You: Displeasers use angry behaviors to try to make high self-esteemers tow their line of dependency by implying, “I won’t approve of you if you don’t do it my way.” HSEs don’t turn over their self-image to any persecutor who gives positive strokes in exchange for control.
To Feel Happy: Feel free to change whatever frustrates you.
myth #4: people with high self-esteem are perfect:
To Achieve High Self-Esteem: HSEs work hard to control their own behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, and they refuse to exert control over the choices or moods of others. The imperfect is considered praiseworthy.
Challenge Idealism: HSEs won’t allow any fear to stop them from being who they are or from correcting a wrong. HSEs get mad, but they refuse to get even.
Make Reality Work for You: When mistakes are made and frustrations mount, HSEs are able to soften their attitudes and change their perceptions to plot new flight paths. They have the flexibility to view reality from many different angles.
To Feel Happy: Refuse to reject either your strengths or your weaknesses.
myth #5: people with high self-esteem need fewer positive strokes.
To Achieve High Self-Esteem: HSEs need a wider variety of strokes than most people do. They believe that “adulthood” never means being so strong that no strokes are needed.
Challenge Idealism: HSEs give to the point of collecting resentments and then stop. Sexuality, romance, spirituality, career goals, and friendships are all used to provide positive strokes.
Make Reality Work for You: HSEs love to make love, love to raise children, and love to contribute their very best in a career. HSEs strive to accept all forms of pleasure without feeling guilty.
To Feel Happy: Love yourself with all your heart.
myth #6: self-esteem can never be changed after adulthood:
To Achieve High Self-Esteem: Low self-esteemers are unconfident people who are mild- tempered, success-phobic, careful listeners whose self-criticisms are counterfeit. They underestimate their skills and abilities to change.
Challenge Idealism: Insist on the right to have a good life even when you are feeling bad.
Make Reality Work for You: HSEs live a moderate mental life. They subscribe to the fundamental importance of high quality and equal responsibility relationships.
To Feel Happy: Use good advice to fuel high self-esteem.
myth #7: people high on self-esteem are always altruistic.
To Achieve High Self-Esteem: HSEs do hold back gifts of energy when someone is taking them for a ride. They know that being a rescuer always precedes feeling like a victim. HSEs go back to their basic goals when frustrated.
Challenge Idealism: HSEs put up fences and selfishly guard against having their positive energy drained. Their bottom line is to be realistic in a world that worships “make believe.”
Make Reality Work for You: Receiving positive strokes is crucial for sustaining high levels of self-esteem. The most powerful strokes are for being who you are, while strokes for doing good deeds are next in line.
To Feel Happy: Reject unfair negative strokes.
HSEs believe that there are enough positive strokes to go around for everyone. They value being a fully feeling human being.
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