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| Dr. Dennis O'Grady |
The Seven
Self-Esteem Myths
Ever look at another person and wish you had as much
confidence? She seems to always know what she’s doing. He seems to always be in
control, and here you are, struggling just to get through the day. Look again.
Are those people you admire really high self-esteemers, or are they counterfeit?
Start giving yourself positive strokes for your strengths, with the
ferocity that you hold yourself accountable for your weaknesses. After all,
self-criticism only proves that you can bathe your mind in negative strokes when
positives are hard to find.
Seven self-esteem myths are capable of
keeping you from giving yourself positive strokes when you are changing and
acting in successful ways. Dispel these myths, and you will feel freer to fight
negative thinking. Don’t wait to approve of your changes, no matter how small
they are.
myth #1: high self-esteem means feeling happy all the
time.
To Achieve High Self-Esteem: Only fake happiness can last
forever, and charlatans, who promise a magical cure-all to the pains of being a
human being, use it.
Challenge Idealism: HSEs experience all
feelings free of judgment, and, even though their hurts may seem too heavy to
carry, they refuse to close up tight like a clam. HSEs value caring, intimacy,
and unconditional love.
Make Reality Work for You: HSEs deal with
pain honestly instead of denying or displacing it on innocent bystanders. HSEs
contend that feelings of inadequacy shouldn’t be allowed to control their
destiny.
To Feel Happy: Don’t cop out on becoming a better person
due to bad feelings.
myth #2: high self-esteem means never feeling
afraid.
To Achieve High Self-Esteem: HSEs doggedly try to turn fears
into opportunities to test their competencies. The promise of increased
self-esteem gives them the extra push to learn something new from every
frustration.
Challenge Idealism: HSEs refuse to let subconscious
fears rule their lives. They use anti-doomsday thinking: “I can change.” “It’s
OK to excel.” “I am lovable and capable.” “It’s normal to feel frustrated the
first few times I try something new.”
Make Reality Work for You:
Challenge slick failure beliefs to an empirical test: “If it doesn’t come easy,
it wasn’t meant to be.” “My worth is based on what you think of me.” “Nobody
cares whether or not I do better.” “Everything will be taken care of some day.”
“Nice guys and gals finish last.”
To Feel Happy: Lasting success
means learning to overcome self-limiting beliefs.
myth #3: high
self-esteem means never feeling frustrated.
To Achieve High
Self-Esteem: HSEs often feel frustrated but learn to let frustration go.
They realize that some difficult people and situations will never change. HSEs
value learning how to control their own feelings.
Challenge
Idealism: HSEs make their anger a good friend and not some shamefaced
enemy.
Make Reality Work for You: Displeasers use angry behaviors
to try to make high self-esteemers tow their line of dependency by implying, “I
won’t approve of you if you don’t do it my way.” HSEs don’t turn over their
self-image to any persecutor who gives positive strokes in exchange for
control.
To Feel Happy: Feel free to change whatever frustrates
you.
myth #4: people with high self-esteem are perfect:
To
Achieve High Self-Esteem: HSEs work hard to control their own behaviors,
thoughts, and feelings, and they refuse to exert control over the choices or
moods of others. The imperfect is considered praiseworthy.
Challenge
Idealism: HSEs won’t allow any fear to stop them from being who they are or
from correcting a wrong. HSEs get mad, but they refuse to get
even.
Make Reality Work for You: When mistakes are made and
frustrations mount, HSEs are able to soften their attitudes and change their
perceptions to plot new flight paths. They have the flexibility to view reality
from many different angles.
To Feel Happy: Refuse to reject either
your strengths or your weaknesses.
myth #5: people with high self-esteem need
fewer positive strokes.
To Achieve High Self-Esteem: HSEs need a
wider variety of strokes than most people do. They believe that “adulthood”
never means being so strong that no strokes are needed.
Challenge
Idealism: HSEs give to the point of collecting resentments and then stop.
Sexuality, romance, spirituality, career goals, and friendships are all used to
provide positive strokes.
Make Reality Work for You: HSEs love to
make love, love to raise children, and love to contribute their very best in a
career. HSEs strive to accept all forms of pleasure without feeling
guilty.
To Feel Happy: Love yourself with all your heart.
myth
#6: self-esteem can never be changed after adulthood:
To Achieve High
Self-Esteem: Low self-esteemers are unconfident people who are mild-
tempered, success-phobic, careful listeners whose self-criticisms are
counterfeit. They underestimate their skills and abilities to
change.
Challenge Idealism: Insist on the right to have a good
life even when you are feeling bad.
Make Reality Work for You:
HSEs live a moderate mental life. They subscribe to the fundamental importance
of high quality and equal responsibility relationships.
To Feel
Happy: Use good advice to fuel high self-esteem.
myth #7: people high
on self-esteem are always altruistic.
To Achieve High
Self-Esteem: HSEs do hold back gifts of energy when someone is taking them
for a ride. They know that being a rescuer always precedes feeling like a
victim. HSEs go back to their basic goals when frustrated.
Challenge
Idealism: HSEs put up fences and selfishly guard against having their
positive energy drained. Their bottom line is to be realistic in a world that
worships “make believe.”
Make Reality Work for You: Receiving
positive strokes is crucial for sustaining high levels of self-esteem. The most
powerful strokes are for being who you are, while strokes for doing good deeds
are next in line.
To Feel Happy: Reject unfair negative strokes.
HSEs believe that there are enough positive strokes to go around for
everyone. They value being a fully feeling human being.
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If you use different
excuses on different days, you’ll likely be able to get away with quite a
lot—until it catches up with you. My favorite excuse is, "I'll do it when I can
get around to it." How do you like that for a vague promise that lacks any
concrete time limit or expiration date? Rationalizations and statements such as
these will certainly put people off. As a reminder, I carry my “round TUIT”
wooden token in my pocket. Now that I have a round TUIT, I can get around to
it!%5B1%5D.png)
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