Team Advisory Committee: The Math of Success

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

The formula for success is one you didn’t learn in high school math class, but operates in everyday life. The Success Equation: Positive + Communication = PROFIT. The Failure Equation: Negative - Communication = LOSS. Is it really so simple? Yes—and savagely profound. Your life’s Profit and Loss calculations rely on how you choose to do the math.


YOUR LIFE: PROFIT OR LOSS?

You can expect these PROFITS as a company, couple, or family when you choose to use empowering, Positive (+) Communication Tools:

+ Team and individual empowerment

+ Productive, positive teamwork

+ Boosted confidence

+ Bridges of trust and respect

+ Mood-boosted opportunities

It’s your choice: which one of these payoffs will you add to your life today?


WHAT IS POSITIVE COMMUNICATION?

When using Positive (+) Communication Tools, your words and deeds will transform your reputation and be perceived as:

+ Motivational

+ Informational

+ Intelligent

+ Open

+ Detailed

+ Inspirational

+ Collaborative

+ Clear and concise

+ Goal Oriented

+ Purposeful

+ Confident

+ Mindful of the effect of your good moods on everyone around you

WHAT IS NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION?

When using Negative (-) Communication Tools, your words and deeds will soil your reputation and be perceived as:

Avoidant of people and issues

Dismissive or condescending

Of a negative Ned or Nellie

Out of control (e.g., yelling or screaming)

Profane and inappropriate

Abusive of power (e.g., calling people out in a crowd)

Gossip: Talking about others behind their backs

Smokescreen: Disguising the real issue

Stonewalling: Not communicating at all

It’s your choice: which one of these losses will you subtract from your life today?

EXPECTATION CRASHES AND COMMUNICATION LOSSES


You can expect these LOSSES as a company, couple, or family when you choose to use debilitating, Negative (-) Communication Tools:


- Bad (Angry) moods and heightened drama

- Good people leave—High turnover due to motivation stagnation

- Financial costs for training

- Fear in the workplace or home

- Low morale

- Good ideas dying on the vine

- Loss of productivity (40–70%)

- Nihilistic attitudes

- Damage to image of trust and respect

- Damaged reputation for reliability

- You can either be right or have friends


Sure as a soda loses its carbonation or the sun sets in the west, you can calculate these predictable outcomes by using positive or negative communicator math.

THE ONLY WAY TO BE HEALED IS TO BE IN TOUCH WITH WHAT'S REAL

Hiding behind a castle's high stone walls or wearing rose colored glasses is The Math of Loss. Although you may be a legend in your own mind, your life losses will ultimately pile high. The choice is yours, so choose to be a Reality Responder rather than live in "ME Reality." Become a brave Empathizer or Instigator leader who chooses to use The Math of Success to communicate positively, accurately, honestly, humbly, and lovingly, every single day

Team Advisory Board: Communication Turn-offs and Turn-ons

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

COMMUNICATION TURN-ONS

Drivers on the two-way communication highway avoid turning off good talk. Common barriers to effective communication which seminar members say you must steer around:







COMMUNICATION TURNOFFS

Emotions, emotional displays, drama

Too much talk without saying anything

Beating around the bush instead of getting to the point

Inaccurate information – too many feelings not enough facts

Bad outlook

Bad mood

Shooting the messenger

Saying one thing and doing another

Putting value on project, not people

Mistrust

Discourage telling truth

COMMUNICATION TURN-ONS
You want to create talk that is priceless? You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Try these talk shoes on for size:


Be rational

Ask directive questions

Listen with three ears

Ask for more facts and fewer feelings

Use a good outlook on life

Spread a good mood around when times are tough

Implement what the messenger advises

Do the new and record the results to logically find out what works

Put value equally on getting things done and on the people who get the things done

Build bridges of trust by being reliable

Encourage telling the truth…which sets you free

Team Wellness Advisory Committee: Positive Communication!

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

HOW DO YOU MAKE TODAY A LUCKY DAY OF POSITIVE COMMUNICATION?

Are you mindful of your own communicator power? Here are road signs that you are driving sensibly down the road of excellent communication, empowering everyone by exceeding expectations.


YOU…
•    Take time to talk
•    Build communication bridges of trust
•    Think optimistically about people
•    Listen and hear more than you talk and tell
•    Are aware of your communication prejudices
•    Adjust your mood to avoid running into a ditch or wall
•    Apologize freely and joke often
•    Don’t go for “It’s my way or the highway” threats
•    Give a balanced diet of positive and negative feedback
•    Strive to improve your communication skills a little bit every single day
•    Don’t put off people who might have a bone to pick with you
•    Pump yourself up daily with encouraging self-talk
•    SMILE and make eyeball contact with newcomers
•    Clarify if what you hear being said is actually what is being said
•    Leave your ego at the door

Team Wellness Advisory Board: Be in Your Own Life

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

BE IN YOUR OWN LIFE?!
So you’re not perfect; whatever. So your mood is blue when the skies are gray, whatever. So you shoot yourself in the foot now and then; whatever. Now this is the self-captivating and energy-catapulting choice you make every day in your inner skull talk:

• You can be in your own life.

• Your life can be owned by someone else who has taken over your inner life.

• You can be in someone else’s life–telling them what to do and be and say and feel and what to like and dislike and who to vote for and against.

• You can approve of or disapprove of your emotional experience, and worry yourself to death when you don’t feel centered-in-self (vs. self-centered) and confident (vs. insecure).

• You can be a control freak, because your emotions are running out of your control, and you’re not having much (if any) fun.

• You can strive to be liked for all the wrong reasons, and be a cardboard cutout of your true self and cutoff your true self and put your soul in a box.

• You can fear healthy disagreement, and hide under your bed covers.

WHAT DOES “BE IN YOUR OWN LIFE” MEAN?
What does “be in your own life” mean? It means you aren’t running ahead of yourself, or stuck in an emotional swamp behind yourself, or driving in a thick emotional fog with your headlamps turned off. You face your emotions with dignity…and permit your emotions to communicate with you.

Team Advisory Board: What to Say When Your Plate is too Full...

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR PLATE IS TOO FULL

WHAT E-TYPES SAY TO I-TYPES WHEN “NO” IS THE RIGHT ANSWER

It’s time for you sensitive Empathizer-type communicators to stop going along to get along with Instigator-type communicators, because when you go along, you’re more likely to fail at delivering positive results. The following directive statements may seem loud, brash, or pushy, but they are simply authentic, effective, and truthful.

Ways to just say no, so strong-willed I-types will understand, and no enemies are made:

#1. I’LL HAVE TO PULL AWAY FROM OTHER PROJECTS TO GET THIS DONE.
This is heard by I-types as a “reality check” and “taking the pulse” of what is wished for vs. what is feasible.

#2. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS IF OTHER THINGS FALL BEHIND?
This is heard by I-types as a challenge to re-check their thinking and priorities and to do a cost-benefit analysis.

#3. I THINK THAT’S TOO MUCH TO ASK OF ONE PERSON.
This is heard by I-types as a genuine statement of how much work is unfairly falling on the shoulders of one person. I-types know it’s not fair to assign all the work to a single workhorse in the organization.

#4. I’M FEELING LIKE I’M OUT HERE ALONE.
This is heard by I-types as a report that you are stretched to the limit and need to be emotionally honest without belly-aching.

#5. I NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT I NEED/EXPECT FROM YOU IN RETURN.
This is heard by I-types as a form of negotiation to iron out the details. It’s a form of record-keeping.

#6. I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO IT ALL.
This is not heard as complaining by I-types but is instead perceived as a call for back-up.

#7. THE RIGHT ANSWER IS NO, BUT I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN SAY THAT.
I-types respect when you are right on the mark to take more self-responsibility for your own happiness and well-being.

#8. DON’T MAKE THINGS MORE COMPLICATED THAN THEY HAVE TO BE.
I-types hear this as a warning to keep the big picture in mind, not get cocky, and make small corrections in the flight course to arrive at the goal destination.

#9. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.
This is heard by I-types as a direct confrontation that they are not up to speed or do not have the necessary information to make the proper decision. They will want to understand what’s wrong and not working right.

#10. I NEED HELP TO DO THIS.
This isn’t heard by I-types as a weakness, but as a warning that special conditions exist and need to be addressed to make the desired results and outcomes happen on timeline.

11. THIS MAY BE ROUGH AND THERE WILL LIKELY BE MISTAKES.
I-types like to be in control of the process. They don’t mind mistakes as much as they dislike being caught off guard by bad news that comes seemingly out of the blue.

#12. WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
This alerts I-types to expect trouble in this project, such as unexpected delays or difficult financial choices.

Virtual Team Memory Pillars: Culture and Non Verbal Communication

Current research indicates that 93% of all communication is non-verbal. If this is also true for the person with dementia, maybe we can increase our understanding of their communication by using non-verbal communication that makes sense to them. In addition, we cannot forget the impact that culture plays in communication, which include the non-verbal communication norms within every culture.

Team Advisory Board: Fighting Negative Beliefs that Create Low Self-Esteem



Dr. Dennis O'Grady

 Low self-esteem (LSE) is a powerful state of mind. It can negatively influence your mood and decrease your willingness to take risks. Low self-esteem is corrected by challenging the negative beliefs that create victim thinking. When you remove the self-criticisms that keep pounding down your self-esteem, your self-esteem will be permitted to grow proportionately.

Here are ways to know when you are in an easy-to-manipulate, low self-esteem state. Take time to drop these attitudes and try out some new ideas to raise your self-confidence.


1. You treat successes and achievements like future failures.

LSE Beliefs: Success doesn’t last, so why try

Result in Self-Criticism: "I’m going to be expected to perform at my best every single time now." Or, "I bet the other shoe is going to drop soon."

New Idea: Set down in writing your own expectations for success. Even though you can’t predict the future, you can still become a consistent winner. Learn something new, no matter how well or poorly you have done in the past.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: Believe, "I can make my successes last."


2. You keep your strengths, special abilities, and accomplishments hidden from social view.

LSE Beliefs: Internal strengths aren’t legitimate or important.

Result in Self-Criticism: "It’s best to keep my accomplishments to myself. My ego doesn’t require a booster shot."

New Idea: You must own up to your own special abilities or risk being controlled by them. Pride in your accomplishments must be balanced with humility.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: Believe, "I can learn to use my strengths."

3. Your self-criticisms dominate your mind and crowd out success permissions

LSE Beliefs: Self-criticism is motivating.

Result in Self-Criticism: "I can’t change because I keep doing the same stupid things. When I do succeed, it’s only a matter of time until I blow it."

New Idea: Self-criticisms are repetitious lies constructed by you to explain why you feel bad. Speak self-steadying permissions that contradict the criticisms. Use positive strokes to balance negatives.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: Believe, "I can become a better self-encourager."


4. You judge your new achievements by standards that are too severe.

LSE Beliefs: Positive strokes should be given only for perfection.

Result in Self-Criticism: I could have done better. My nervousness and inadequacy showed.”

New Idea: Give yourself time to practice and perfect a skill by shooting to be in the upper ten percent. Seek feedback from a trusted evaluator who will judge you fairly. Allow positive feedback to replace old stale messages.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: Believe, “My mistakes don’t make or break me.”


5. You erroneously assume life shouldn’t be difficult.

LSE Beliefs: Pain should be avoided at all costs.

Result in Self-Criticism: "I can’t always expect to get what I want." Or, "You can bet your bottom dollar that in time, bad things follow good things."

New Idea: Set up assertive fences to protect your self-esteem and solve problems in your life. Don’t expect life to be pain-free, but don’t be continually upset either. To make life easier, manage the anxiety that comes on the heels of happiness and success.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: "Crisis is another opportunity to change."


6.You fear conflict and avoid it.

LSE Beliefs: Conflict is destructive.

Result in Self-Criticism: "I don’t want to hurt my partner." Or, "Every time I try to talk with my co-worker, the conversation goes nowhere."

New Idea: Force yourself to begin valuing constructive conflict. Speak up assertively to avoid collecting resentments. Become more comfortable with conflict by using fair fighting techniques.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: "I can use my anger in caring ways."


7. Your positive strokes are limited in scope.

LSE Beliefs: Approval is required for survival.

Result in Self-Criticism: "If people really knew me, they wouldn’t like me." Or, "Since I can’t take being rejected, I rarely disagree."

New Idea: Allow yourself the luxury of having goals related to the inner self – a chosen calling, a life partner, children, sexuality, money, time, God or your higher spiritual being, and life. Bundling all your goals into one is bound to stifle your self-esteem.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: Believe, "It’s OK to feel worthwhile."


8. Your security takes priority over all other needs.

LSE Beliefs: Happiness is an illusion.

Result in Self-Criticism: "I really hate my job, but good jobs are hard to come by these days." Or, "I can’t leave my mate because I wouldn’t know how to survive financially."

New Idea: Debunk the myth that the predictable pain of the status quo is preferable to the unexpected pain which might await you in the unknown. Don’t delude yourself by thinking that the status quo can keep you safe from failure.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: Believe, "I take risks even when I’m afraid."


9. You don’t listen to self-wisdom carefully enough.

LSE Beliefs: My own advice is unimportant.

Result in Self-Criticism: "I should know what to do, but I don’t. What do you think I should do?"

New Idea: Treat yourself as the leading expert on you. Take your own advice to heart. Trust your inner wisdom more to resolve problems.

Be Successful by Being Your Best: Believe, "I take my own good advice."

Team Wellness Advisory Committee: Self-Esteem No. 4

Difficult people are difficult because they fear change.

Negative emotions also result from the fear of change.


What rules of emotional conduct must you consciously use as a change-expert to master negative emotions? Use the following seven Rules of Emotional Order to contradict programming that leaves you filled with negative emotions:


Rule #1: every feeling has something worthwhile to teach you

Be Feeling: Our society is obsessed with feeling good and being positive all the time.

Be Vulnerable: Rule #1 attempts to reverse anti-feeling programming.

Be Who You Really Are: Stop trying to get rid of painful emotions.


Rule #2: your changes will always affect you the most

Be Thought-Full: Our society is obsessed with making changes to please others.

Be Vulnerable: This rule attempts to reverse anti-individuality programming.

Be Who You Really Are: Stop thinking good changes hurt others more than they help you.


Rule #3: take risks to grow and change

Be Open to Change: Our society is obsessed with being secure and avoiding failure.

Be Vulnerable: This rule attempts to reverse anti-change programming.

Be Who You Really Are: Stop believing that thinking alone is sufficient to solve a problem.


Rule #4: trying to control every event in life causes unnecessary anger

Be Self-Controlled: Our society is obsessed with trying to control our thoughts and feelings to influence our decisions.

Be Vulnerable: This rule attempts to reverse anti-vulnerability programming.

Be Who You Really Are: Stop trying to be responsible for everything.


Rule #5: responsible anger is healing, not hurtful

Be One of a Kind: Our society is obsessed with fitting in and not causing a fuss.

Be Vulnerable: This rule attempts to reverse anti-intimacy programming.

Be Who You Really Are: Stop making anger the bad guy.


Rule #6: being an imperfect human being is good enough

Be at your Imperfect Best: Our society is obsessed with physical, psychological, and spiritual perfection.

Be Vulnerable: Rule #6 attempts to reverse anti-learning programming.

Be Who You Really Are: Stop living with decisions that decrease your self-esteem.


Rule #7: your choices always remain your own to make

Be Feeling: Our society is obsessed with making right decisions.

Be Vulnerable: This rule attempts to reverse anti-decision programming.

Be Who You Really Are: Stop living with decisions that decrease your self-esteem.


You are constantly being exposed to programming that pressures you to dismiss your feelings instead of experiencing them. Learn from your emotions and entrust your feelings to loved ones. Be free to feel OK even when you are feeling down. Don’t let negative emotions affect your self-worth. Boost your self-esteem when your charge is low. Dr. Dennis O'Grady

Virtual Team Leader Support Update: Good Talk Habits for Leaders!

This week team captains and leaders explored Dr. Denise O’Grady’s communication system for leaders. Included were handouts for value and respect at work, good talk habits at work, team members who look to lead, and 7 mood rules to lead by:


Mood Rule # 2
Build morale by spreading a good mood around, even when you feel bad. Choose to show passion. Comfort yourself when the winds of change are blowing, and especially love and appreciate what you do during the hard times. Be known for being in control of your mood. –Dr. O’Grady

Team Wellness Advisory Board: Communication and Wellness

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

COMMUNICATION TURN-ONS

Drivers on the two-way communication highway avoid turning off good talk. Common barriers to effective communication which seminar members say you must steer around:

COMMUNICATION TURNOFFS

Emotions, emotional displays, drama

Too much talk without saying anything

Beating around the bush instead of getting to the point

Inaccurate information – too many feelings not enough facts

Bad outlook

Bad mood

Shooting the messenger

Saying one thing and doing another

Putting value on project, not people

Mistrust

Discourage telling truth

COMMUNICATION TURN-ONS

You want to create talk that is priceless? You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Try these talk shoes on for size:

Be rational

Ask directive questions

Listen with three ears

Ask for more facts and fewer feelings

Use a good outlook on life

Spread a good mood around when times are tough

Implement what the messenger advises

Do the new and record the results to logically find out what works

Put value equally on getting things done and on the people who get the things done

Build bridges of trust by being reliable

Encourage telling the truth…which sets you free

SOLVING PROBLEMS AND SEIZING OPPORTUNITIES

It’s all about communication. Everyone says so…everyone knows so. Every organization and family flies or flunks based on their effective use of communication skills and tools.

Team Advisory Committee: Good Communication is Key

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

Wellness Committee Member

Some people, despite their best efforts, can’t pull off the positive change they seek, because they don’t know that good communication is key. The same people who are quick to anger (yell, scream, curse, rant, rage, belittle, complain, judge, and gossip) haven’t learned the emotional and communication skills needed to be just as quick to forgive, take personal responsibility, keep things in perspective, communicate feelings, exert self-control, and handle emotions freely and honestly.

Team Advisory Committee: Negative Thinkers Can Steal the Show!

Dr. Dennis O'Grady

We all are addicted to negative thoughts when we allow them to run over our best-laid plans and take root in our brains. When you are being a negative person, silently to yourself or vocally to someone else, these close-minded traits are activated, and they run your life show and run away with your communication skills: Believing it's easier to be negative. Yes, it is easier to be negative, but it's more productive to feel alive and able to be surprised and curious about yourself and your valued relationships. Being lazy. It is true that every human can be lazy and do what they've always done…and that isn't any fun. Negative people salute their laziness and do not attempt to change it. Negataker. Negative people talk tons of verbal trash inside their own skulls, while complaining vociferously to everyone with whom they come into contact. The Complain Game is a safe haven…and prison. Psychocritiquer. A negative person is critical of everything and everyone. Negative people don't meet anyone they can't dislike or find fault with. They'll pick the lint off the suit or dress of successful thinkers. Too smart for your own good. Mental horsepower ramps up the negative talk. Unfortunately, negative people are often brainy, which adds enormous horsepower under the hood. Negative thinkers can get in trouble quickly on the relationship highway. Don't care. "I don't care, and no one is going to break my heart!" is the neurotically defensive battle cry of beleaguered contrarians. They play it safe and will eventually feel sorry some day for all the heartbreaks that life has laid in their paths. Why not be amiable, instead, reveling in the wonders that life has provided? Change resisters. When you are punch drunk with negative thinking, you will use the #1 change resistance mechanism: criticizing self and others for a failure to be perfect. That's why I say the Blame Game and Shame Game are totally lame. Un-Stupid. My definition of stupid is "being brave enough to care," and of stupid behavior as "daring to care." Pessimists are too busy picking and analyzing the lint in their belly buttons to learn something new by truly enjoying their ignorance. Oddly, negative people are often saluted for being pragmatists, logical types, fearless predictors of problems, disaster relief specialists, unafraid to break from the crowd mentality, and other crowning glories. Frankly, negative people are over-rated and ought to be told to "zip your lip for five minutes." Are you giving yourself a hard way to go by being negative? Who doesn't, now and then? However, a negative person is filled to overflowing with life regrets. Negative thinkers spend their energy on, "Oh, how I wish I would have done or said...!" Don't be fooled, though. If a negatalker has what they say they lack, they will still be moaning about something else that's lacking. So, are you addicted to negative thinking and ineffective communication patterns that ditch speedy travel on the two-way communicator highway in your relationships? Of course not, not lovable you!

Team Advisory Board: Uncommon Wisdom

Submitted by Dr. Dennis O'Grady

There is uncommon wisdom in every group I have the honor to work with, real people like you and me who make a living in "the real business world" of promoting good mental and physical health without making the patient feel bad in the process. To avoid burning out, caregivers must first care for self…especially when energy for good deeds burns low. Effective communication with self is a prerequisite to good communication with others. What role model do you offer to others when you take your own gold (good) advice and do a little something to make your day a little bit more positive? You're only human Your energy is finite Putting "energy in" into self will work wonders when you feel down You can do small good deeds for yourself even when you don't feel up to it Getting mad at yourself or blaming others keeps you down in the pits Losing hope at times happens to the best of us Mourning your losses helps you to climb out of a hole of depression you might have dug for yourself Let's keep it simple! Great things come to those who don't wait to change what they need to change in order to feel better-namely a bad attitude that sucks pears. Love of self is a prerequisite to loving and caring for your neighbor.

Team Advisory Board: Active Listening for Emotional Wellness!

Submitted by Dr. Dennis O'Grady

Concentrate on removing distractions Dedicate your concentration to your talk partner Don't have multiple conversations at once Don't try to figure out something else at the same time you're listening Ask questions to help you comprehend You can only do one thing well at a time, so LISTEN YOU CAN ONLY DO ONE THING WELL—SO LISTEN ACTIVELY